Monday, May 24, 2010

Heard: Not Sure if this Occurred, but Nevertheless it was Obviously Written by an Intern


I’m sorry for all of those involved.


Hi, I’m an intern. You wouldn’t know if you saw me, because my red badge of courage is constantly hidden in my right pocket. This is only because I’ve read too many of these postings to feel comfortable with showing what I actually am while inside either the house or senate sides. This being said I have a story to tell; well it is more of a discretionary tale than a story. I’m an intern for Senator XX’s office. I’ve been house sitting for a staffer on the House side who I didn’t know and they recently came back from vacation. Within the first two days we talked, had great conversation, you know become close. To help me establish a base of contacts here in DC s/he set me up to play on a Hodge-podge of a softball team, with players from variable backgrounds as to help me fit in easily. I get there and it is a great game. People are nice, sociable, generally easy to get along with, and although I played next to no time, I had a great time with these people.


What happens next is the story, although I wish I could just end here with me going to sleep after the game. The team decides to go to a bar, and being young enough to never have had a hangover…drinking is always a good idea. We get to the Capitol Lounge at around 8:30, at which time I proceed to begin drinking heavily. Please let me elucidate what I mean by heavily before I continue my story and I’ll do that by explaining my mentality on drinking first. When I (intern-extraordinaire) go out, there is a style and order to my goals. It starts first with drinking as much as possible, as quickly as possible… and this is typically where my goals stop for the night. Whereas most people go out to bars and parties with the goals of being sociable, my goal has always been to blackout. Is this a good goal? I’ve always thought so, despite others advice. So pitchers of beer start off the night in a calm sociable way, followed by the even more sociable long island iced tea. Now this is where the night takes a turn for the worse, as I get into a conversation with a fellow intern about our favorite drinks. This was the first of my bad choices for the night, as this is the most dangerous conversation to get into at a bar. We both are huge tequila advocates, and apparently we are both very competitive. We quickly, and predictably, turn our mutual love into a competition. As I boldly (more like 7 beers deep accompanied by a Long Island Iced Tea) accept this challenge, I had no idea that there could be no winner in this competition.

Round one goes down like a contender against Muhammad Ali, nice and easy knock out.

Round two slides down like a cheap stripper from the south.

Round thr…. let’s just skip to round eight.

Now this if anything can be rationalized as the first and only victory of the night, as my contenders friends say that he is done for the night. Yes I won! I won! With this victory I…well I… I guess I blackout right about here. This leads me to 3 hours ago, when I finally wake up. [Editors' note, this was received at 12:07pm.] The staffer, the new friend who I had acquired, wakes me up in a rage that could only be compared to Hollywood’s portrayal of Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction. Explaining that I had been driven home, puked outside her house, puked on the bag she let me borrow, and puked in her shower. In hindsight the appropriate response was not to laugh, but as I was (and still am while writing this) drunk, that was the only response that I could muster. Regardless she was extremely livid that morning and it prompted her to remind me that I needed to find other housing as quickly as possible.


I am no longer drinking more than 4 drinks for the remainder of time that I am here in DC. Let this be a discretionary tale to any/all interns, let us show some form of moderation during our tenure here in DC. However, if that is not something you can do, please remember enough of your night that you can post it on this amazing website.


Ps. Let me assure the readers, I’m taking that staffer out to dinner to make up for spilling mine all over her house.

Spotted: Hair Flip = $1.35

Today, I spotted an intern standing at a Metro carousel with coffee on the SmartTrip swipe symbol fumbling for her metro card. While everyone is huffing and puffing going through the only carousel available (conveniently, the extremely slow handicapped carousel), amazing intern stands there blocking the only other available carousel flipping her hair to and fro as she searches for her card blocking the other passengers. Welcome to Intern Season!

Spotted: Sidewalk Stopper

Dear Intern:

When talking on your cell phone gossiping about with whom you hooked up last night, please do not stop in the center of the sidewalk, subsequently blocking foot traffic.

Love,
Everyone

P.S. A backless dress is 100% inappropriate for the Hill. I don't care
if you're going to the bar tonight, please cover up for work.